How the biggest social media apps use envy and shame to keep you hooked

I’ve always felt smug about staying off Instagram and Twitter. While friends scroll through endless feeds of vacation photos and hot takes, I stick to Reddit for my social media fix. It feels more substantive, more real. No performative selfies, no humble-brags about promotions. Just good discussions and useful information.

That smugness evaporated last week when I asked a simple question in r/Coffee about whether a particular coffee maker was worth buying. Within an hour, my innocent question had been downvoted into oblivion. The responses weren’t just unhelpful, they were condescending. “This gets asked every week.” “Use the search function.” “Read the wiki before posting.”

Not my post, but a very common engagement pattern on any subreddit

Suddenly I felt genuinely ashamed. Why was I embarrassed about asking a coffee question? Why did strangers’ disapproval of my post make me want to delete it and pretend it never happened?

This isn’t accidental. The biggest social media platforms have figured out that two specific emotions drive engagement better than almost anything else: envy and shame. They’ve built their core features around triggering these feelings, because both…